When Your Partner Can’t Handle Your Emotions: Here’s What To Do

Emotional connection is the heartbeat of a healthy relationship. It’s what makes us feel seen, soothed, and safe. But what happens when your partner struggles to sit with their own emotions and can’t sit with yours?

One of the most important functions of a relationship is seeking and receiving comfort; having someone who can hold space for your pain without trying to fix it or run away from it. But if your partner hasn’t learned how to attune to their own feelings, they’ll struggle to be there for yours. Emotional connection will always be hard for people who are afraid to feel.

It’s not that they don’t care. It’s that your sadness, anger, or vulnerability activates something inside them that feels unsafe or overwhelming. When someone has spent their life avoiding discomfort — numbing, distracting, or keeping the peace — being with another person’s emotions can feel like drowning. So they shut down, withdraw, or rush to fix things, not because they don’t love you, but because they’re trying to manage their own distress.

The good news is that you can learn how to stay grounded and connected, even if your partner struggles to do the same.

1. Learn What’s Yours

When your partner pulls away or minimizes what you’re feeling, it’s easy to take that as rejection. But often, it’s about their nervous system, not your worth.

Your responsibility is to express your emotions clearly and respectfully. Theirs is to manage their reaction. You don’t have to shrink yourself to make someone else comfortable.

Try this: Before a hard conversation, pause and ask yourself:
What’s mine to own here, and what isn’t?
That clarity helps you communicate without falling into self-blame or over-functioning.

2. Learn What’s Theirs

If your partner hasn’t learned emotional regulation, they may get flooded or shut down when tension arises. Recognizing that this is their work (not yours!!) is key to staying sane.

You can’t regulate for them. But you can model calm presence and self-regulation. Sometimes the most loving move is to stop chasing them for connection and instead return to your own sense of safety.

Try this: The next time they withdraw, notice the urge to pursue. Instead, take a slow breath and remind yourself: Their discomfort doesn’t mean I did something wrong.

3. Don’t Take It Personally

Avoidance hurts, especially when all you want is closeness. But remember: avoidance is a coping strategy, not a personal rejection.

When you stop taking it personally, you reclaim your power. You can respond with grounded clarity rather than reaction.

Try saying, “I see you pulling away, and I know this feels hard for you. But I need emotional safety in this relationship, and I can’t create that alone.” That’s not an ultimatum; it’s a boundary rooted in self-respect.

Try this: Instead of interpreting, observe. You can say something like, “When I’m upset, I notice you get quiet or distant,” rather than “You don’t care about me.” This invites awareness instead of defensiveness.

Emotional connection requires two people willing to stay present. No one has to be perfect, but both you do have to be willing to try. If your partner isn’t there yet, your work is to stay connected to yourself. That’s where your strength and peace live.

I write more about emotional attunement, communication, and relationship repair on my Substack, Secrets from a Therapist. You can subscribe for free here to go deeper into these topics.