How To Stay Connected When You Feel Dismissed
You open up about something hard, and your partner says, “it could be worse,” or “at least you’re not ___.”
They mean well. They’re trying to make you feel better. They think perspective will help. But what you feel instead is dismissed, unseen, and disconnected,like you’re alone on an island with your pain.
This is one of the most common moments I see in couples therapy: one partner reaches out for comfort, and the other responds with logic or advice. The intention is good, but the impact is the opposite of what’s needed.
Why “It Could Be Worse” Doesn’t Help
When someone is struggling, they don’t need perspective. They need presence. They need to know someone gets it and is right there beside them.
Phrases like “it could be worse” or “at least you’re not dealing with…” send an unintended message: that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. You should be grateful instead.
Gratitude is a beautiful and healing emotion. But it can’t be forced on someone in the middle of pain. People have to arrive there on their own time and in their own way.
What to Say Instead
If you’re the one listening:
Don’t talk them out of it.
Don’t fix.
Don’t minimize.
Try simple reflections that communicate empathy and understanding:
“I can see how heavy that feels.”
“I get why that would hurt.”
“That sounds really hard.”
These statements don’t solve anything, and that’s the point. They make space for emotion, which is what helps people regulate and reconnect.
If You’re the One Sharing
If you open up and your partner responds with something invalidating, your feelings are valid—and so is addressing it.
Avoid criticism. Instead, name the impact:
“When I share something hard and you tell me it could be worse, I feel hurt.
It makes me want to shut down.
It sends the message that I can’t come to you when I’m struggling and feel understood.”
That’s not confrontation; it’s communication. It gives your partner a roadmap for how to be there for you differently.
Why Invalidation Hurts So Much
What most people don’t realize is how much this kind of response actually hurts. We’re wired for attunement: emotional connection through feeling seen and safe.
When someone trades advice for attunement, it creates real emotional pain. It’s the relational equivalent of turning away just when the other person needs you most.
Fixing doesn’t heal emotional pain— attunement does. You can mean well and still cause hurt. What matters is how you show up afterward—how you repair.
Tend to your partner’s emotional pain the same way you’d tend to physical pain: with care, softness, and presence. So the next time someone you love opens up about something painful, resist the urge to fix it or offer perspective. Instead, sit beside them in it. Because healing doesn’t come from what you say, it comes from how you stay.
I write more about emotional connection, communication, and the psychology of relationships on my Substack, Secrets from a Therapist.
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