Timing Matters More Than Words in an Argument

The biggest mistake people make in arguments isn’t what they say—it’s what they don’t do. They don’t pause when emotions run high. And they don’t come back once they’ve calmed down.

When you’re flooded—your heart racing, your chest tight, your mind spinning—you’re no longer in a state that allows for curiosity, empathy, or connection. Your body has shifted into fight, flight, or freeze. You might still be talking, but it’s not productive communication—it’s self-protection and it destroys your relationship.

That’s why pausing matters so much. It’s not avoidance; it’s regulation. When you take a break, you give your nervous system time to reset so your words can come from intention instead of reactivity.

But the second half of repair is just as important: coming back. A pause without return can feel like abandonment to your partner.

The repair process begins when you circle back—when you say, “I needed a minute to calm down, but I want to keep talking because this matters to me.” That moment of re-engagement rebuilds trust and shows your partner that the relationship is bigger than the argument.

Healthy conflict isn’t about winning or being right—it’s about finding your way back to each other. When you learn to pause, regulate, and repair, you create safety. And safety is what allows love to deepen.

If you want to explore more about how to communicate effectively, repair after rupture, and create connection that lasts, I write about this every week on my Substack, Secrets from a Therapist.

It’s where I share the deeper side of relationships, communication, and emotional growth.
Subscribe for free here.

And if this topic resonates, you can also preorder my book, The Cost of Quiet, which is all about how to handle conflict in the healthy ways that create connection.
Preorder here.