You Scored
The Isolationist
Your relationship is extremely important to you and you’re committed to protecting it. You tend to shut down and distance yourself from conflict because you don’t want an argument to damage the relationship. When emotions are high you prefer to disengage and figure things out on your own. Despite how much your partner matters to you, you may come across as shut down, withdrawn, or uncaring.
What You Fear
Your primary fear is that you’ll say the wrong thing, make things worse, or that things will unravel and spiral out of control. It's important for you to learn to regulate your nervous system, express your internal turmoil to your partner, and find ways to stay engaged in the conversation, even when it's uncomfortable.
Mistaken Belief
Conflict will damage our relationship. If I shut down, then the fight can’t get worse.
How You Show Up on the Outside
You tend to focus on managing the situation by shutting it down, rather than tuning into your own emotional experience or being curious about your partner’s. You may protect yourself with distance and powering your nervous system down, compartmentalizing, or distracting yourself, so you don’t feel pain.
Sometimes you may attempt to stay engaged and go into logic, facts, and problem solving but if that doesn’t work, you’re out. Oftentimes you withdraw as soon as you anticipate or sense tension with your partner. If your resources are low, you may snap at your partner before disengaging. At the extreme, you may blow up and yell when too much frustration has built up and gone unaddressed for too long.
Your intention is to avoid a fight, protect the relationship from damage, or prevent yourself from feeling a sense of failure or inadequacy. You just want your partner to realize that you do care but it just doesn’t feel safe to talk about it. The downside is that your partner can’t share their feelings with you, feel connected, or understand what you’re experiencing, which leads to greater distance and disconnection over time.
What’s Going on Inside
While you may appear calm on the outside, internally your body may go into a state of sympathetic arousal. This rapid shutdown occurs because of an overwhelming physiological arousal and flooding, something that may be outside of your conscious awareness and your partner may not understand.
Alternatively, you may enter a state of dorsal vagal shutdown, where you retreat, detach, and disengage. This can result in numbness or emotional disconnection as a protective measure against pain. Communication may be challenging in these moments as your nervous system is shut down on a chemical level.
You may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar with emotions. You may even fear emotions and see vulnerability as a weakness. However, on the surface, you likely feel frustrated, irritated, or angry. Oftentimes deeper feelings of overwhelm, helplessness, shame, sadness, or fear are present that you may be unaware of in the moment.
Your primary fear is that things will escalate, you’ll say something hurtful, and it will be difficult to repair. Therefore, shutting down may be an effort to protect your partner from you, but be aware that it’s also an effort to protect yourself from painful feelings. You may have a fear of rejection that gets inflamed by these interactions.
Tips for Growth
Taking some time to regulate yourself, identify your feelings, and gather your thoughts can be beneficial, but it’s essential to return to your partner and have the conversation.
Explain in advance how tough it is for you to stay engaged in conflict and that you’re working on it but might need to pause if you get overwhelmed.
Commit to returning to the conversation at a designated time and make sure you honor that.
Try doing some deep breathing, meditating, going for a walk, or anything that helps you get grounded and regulated enough to return to the conversation.
Work on getting more comfortable with emotions and taking small steps to increase your tolerance for staying engaged.
Remind yourself that even though conflict feels uncomfortable it’s important to address difficult issues and make space for painful feelings for the long term health of the relationship.
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