You Can’t Make Your Partner Change But You Can Do This
The aha moment is when you turn the lenz around and empower yourself.
One of the hardest truths in relationships is this: you can’t make your partner change.
That doesn’t stop us from trying. We plead, hint, nag, withdraw, explode, or silently hope that if we just love them enough, sacrifice enough, or wait long enough, they’ll suddenly become the partner we need.
But change doesn’t work that way. Change is an inside job. It happens only when someone chooses it.
What you can do is take ownership of your side of the street—how you communicate, how you care for yourself, and how you make decisions about the relationship. That’s where your power lives.
Here are the things you can do:
1. Communicate openly and honestly instead of bottling things up
Silence might feel easier in the short term, but it builds resentment. Saying what’s on your mind—clearly and calmly—creates space for honesty and real connection.
2. Express grievances directly without blame or shaming
“You never” and “you always” attacks just trigger defensiveness. Instead, describe the behavior and how it impacts you. “When you cancel plans at the last minute, I feel unimportant.” That’s an opening for conversation, not combat.
3. Ask clearly for what you need—don’t expect them to read your mind
So many conflicts stem from unsaid expectations. Don’t assume they “should just know.” Tell them. “I need more follow-through on the things you say you’ll do.”
4. Reflect the impact of their behavior so they understand how it lands
Your partner may not realize how their actions affect you. Holding up a mirror—without judgment—helps them see it. “When you scroll during dinner, I feel like our time together doesn’t matter.”
5. Make specific requests for behaviors you’d like to see shift
General complaints don’t give your partner a roadmap. Instead of “be more thoughtful,” try: “It would mean a lot if you’d check in when you’re running late.”
6. Take care of yourself and make sure your own needs are being met
Your relationship can’t be your only source of fulfillment. Prioritize sleep, movement, friendships, hobbies—the things that keep you grounded. A healthy you makes for a healthier “us.”
7. Set and hold boundaries around what’s acceptable and what’s not
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums; they’re clarity. They define what you will and won’t accept. “I won’t stay in conversations where yelling is happening. I’ll come back when we’re calmer.”
8. Pay attention to how they respond—not just in words, but in actions
Apologies and promises are easy. Consistent follow-through is what matters. Do they actually try to show up differently, or do things slide back into old patterns?
9. Decide whether to stay or leave based on how you’re treated
This is the bottom line. If your partner repeatedly dismisses your needs, crosses your boundaries, or refuses to grow, you have a decision to make. Staying and hoping they’ll magically change isn’t a strategy. Your well-being matters too much to settle for crumbs.
The truth is, you can’t script someone else’s transformation. What you can do is show up as your most authentic self, communicate clearly, and make decisions that honor your worth.
And here’s the most important part: your voice, your boundaries, and your choices have power. Even if your partner doesn’t change, you will. You’ll grow stronger, clearer, and more grounded in what you deserve.
It’s not about forcing change—it’s about reclaiming your power.
If this resonated, I write more about relationships, and my life as a therapist and author in Secrets from a Therapist. Subscribe for free here.